Private (Third) Eye - Ambling Further

With the smell of burning cafe and the tinkling of sirens in the air I turned into an alley way. I had no desire to see the boys in blue until I'd figured out what was going on. My jigsaw was missing a piece, probably an edge, and I needed to find the sofa it was under or the child whose mouth it was in. Those were metaphors. They had to be, just think how big a kid we would be talking otherwise. My shoes echoed off the walls. The urine just dripped down them. A bag tumbled out from behind a dustbin. I knew something was wrong when the bag spoke. "You with the head", (not that again), "you gotta help me." The bag looked a lot like a middle aged guy who needed a wash. "We all got problems Mr Bag and I ain't got time for yours." I wasn't being harsh. My nostrils were threatening to go on strike unless I aimed them away from him. "Buddy, please. My wardrobe. In my wardrobe." I don't know what he'd heard but I'd not been near his or any wardrobe since the hanger incident. "No, you don't understand". He'd got that right. "I'm a banker." He'd got that right too judging by the stains. "Or at least I was. They took it all and now they're going to take my house. If they do that they'll see what's in my wardrobe." This guy was either a whack job or he had something weird in his wardrobe. "What have you got in there? Tell me quick and try to aim yourself down wind." The bag opened his mouth. It could have been to answer, maybe he was just showing me his teeth, either way he didn't do anything other that grimace as a jar of jam hit him square in the eye. I looked over my shoulder just as seven or eight sponge fingers embedded themselves into the wall. The bag was clearing jam from his mouth (they really were very nice teeth) as 12 ounces of frozen raspberries peppered him. Could a raspberry pepper something? I didn't know. Before I could decide one way or the other I heard the telltale glug of a bottle in mid-flight, thrown right handed probably around shoulder height. Sherry. I'd bet the bag's life on it. I stuck out a hand and caught a Croft Original Pale Cream bottle. Mr Throwie Throwerson at least had some taste. "He's trifling with the wrong guy" I mumbled. The bag groaned. "All this for that one joke? That's terrible!" I'd had enough of this luggage. It was time to go. I took a swig from the Sherry then politely introduced the bag's head and the bottle. He'd have plenty of time to drink it when he'd woken up. I grabbed the bin lid and frisbee'd it down the alley towards the dessert fiend. Could it be the custard villain? I thought that was the was the plants leafy work. There was a lot to consider as I hot footed it to places unknown.

Private (Third) Eye - Ambling

I was walking but I didn't know where. Like a monkey skippering an old Tea Clipper I had no heading. You might say I was headless. You might but I knew what was underneath my hat. A voice rang out. "You there. The one with the head" (see). I turned as the waitress from the Usual ran up to me. I'd been here before. The thrill of action can be a turn on for some dames. I looked her up and down. Then up again. "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me honey?" Just like a shopping trolley her eyes were all over the place. "No, there's a gun in my pocket." She pulled out a piece. "It's the one that ogre had. It seemed really odd that you'd leave it there for him when he wakes up." I liked this girl. Not only was she a decent citizen doing what little she could to make a difference, she also had legs that went all the way up to her body. The great rack just made her easier to appreciate. "What's your name kid?" She flashed a ten dollar smile and pulled the trigger. She was spirited. We both stood there waiting to see what happened. "I realised the gun had blanks in it when you weren't hit at point blank range." So she was a little crazy, I wasn't going to hold that against her. "Honey I dodged those bullets." I did, I'm just that good. She took out the clip, I guess she learnt how from watching cop shows, and showed me the blank cartridge. "If he was firing blanks then where did these come from?" I lifted my right arm. There were three perfect little holes. I'm not a guy to tell tales but she swooned a little. They all swoon a little. I took the gun and tipped my hat. Always leave them wanting more. Also I'd seen that the Usual was on fire and I didn't want any part of that. I skipped away thinking for the first time this year that I really should replace this moth eaten old raincoat. I thought of the dead coffee pot. My coat deserved better.