Friendship Poem

In a house on a hill
Sat Ben with a chill
Feeling miserable and ill
With only the will
To go home
All alone
If I must
Coz I trust
What’s happening there
In the stinky Oxford air
With the people who care
Is more fun
Than a ton
Of nekkid women
All swimmin
And grinnin
Compared to this
Which is frozen piss
On a stick
Have a lick
It’s a cheap lollypop (get the hell outta here)
I wanna bop til I drop
But there’s ob-vi-ous-ly not
Any chance I can dance
When I haven’t even got
A hifi stereo or tape machine
By the look of the locals there hasn’t been
Any groovin or a-movin
Jivin or a-funkin
The quickest thing here is digestive-dunkin
My heartbeat’s clunkin
At a miserable rate
I seem to be trapped here
Sealed by fate
What I wouldn’t do
To be back with a mate
Either starting to skin up
Or to copulate
(although obviously that depends on which mate we’re talking about)
I miss Jonny Charles and Dan
And Satanic Shan
And every Pea at seven-seven B
Elena, Jed, Nick and Jerome
(despite the fact they’re so shit at taking messages from people when they phone)
I miss my work at Tiger Lily
I miss being guided round town by my willy
I miss Magnus and Tarek throwing things in my bin
Even though, on my go, I can never get it in
(which can be said for other asects of my life also)
When I get back to my home town
I wanna get so wrecked I’ll violently drown
In a huge deep pool of puke blood and piss
With an orgy of misbehaviour starting like this:
I’ll invite a couple friends
For an ‘evening out’
Under the pretence we’ll be ‘mucking about’
We’ll go to my house
Maybe have a little drink
Just knock a few tins back
Til we start to think
About the possibility of having a smoke
Then I’ll whip out a ready-rolled; casual bloke!
We’ll maybe smoke a few
Til the eyes are red
The other two
May want to go to bed
That’s when I’ll
Suggest the speed!
We’ll snort base
Til our sinuses BLEED!
After that we’ll be ready for town
And I’ll sneak into their vodka just an
Ounce or two of Brown
With our googly eyes
And tingly brains
We’ll ignore the weather
Thunder lightning or rain
Fucked off our trolleys
We’ll be ready to go
Pop six pills each
Smoke an ounce more blow
When we get into town
We’ll inject some coke
Get into a fight
With a leary bloke
Hyped up on adrenaline
Bolloxed on drugs
Salivating mindless fucked-up thugs
The next 40 pints won’t have any effect
Cause you know that our bodies will be far too wrecked
They think it’s over
But is it? NO!
They didn’t count on my EXTRA DOUGH!
600 quid would be enough to borrow
Let’s get wankered - FUCK TOMORROW!!
We move from the pub to a quiet spot
Faces all running with spit blood and snot
After a couple of adrenaline shots
We’ll be fucked enough to neck 15 DOTS!!!
We’ll gatecrash a party in a bleary haze
Our minds like rocks and our eyes ablaze
We’ll crash into houses through windows and doors
Then pick up the phone and dial some WHORES!
Families, children – so taken aback
FUCK ‘EM ALL LET’S SMOKE SOME CRACK
Puke in their fridges and shit in their beds
See how we love being out of our heads
We’ll batter any fool
That gets in our way
Ben Dan and Jonny so happy and gay
So completely trashed we can only scream
We’ll be arrested, but as if it were a crazy dream
We’ll chew through the cell walls like ice-cream
Still turbo-charged with a full head of steam
Our minds are mashed
Our bodies mangled
Our lives on a thin weak thread are dangled
But now we see the end of the night
A nasty hangover looms into sight
All good evenings have bad ends
A night well spent with a couple of friends
Let’s steal a car and drive off a cliff
Say goodbye to the world with one last spliff.
(at least that’s the plan anyway…)